Casa de Espiritu

splintersandmilkshakes:

You may not always like the words I convey,

but I assure you I have a lot to say.

My scribblings may come across as convoluted,

but they pour from my heart as undiluted. 

They need not make any sense but to my soul,

so proceed to go fuck yourself with a pole.

cordeliacritiques:

She wears linguistic chimeras 
in her flaxen hair
as crimson ribbons 
that dance with the wind
with poetic flare.

He twisted these ribbons
and pulled her to him 
seducing her with his honeyed tongue
as daylight began to dim.

Under the muse of the moon
they wrote a whimsical ballad
and sang it to each other 
to make their love valid.

Submitted by SplintersandMilkshakes.

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Thanks for submitting in bold!  I think, mostly, I’m trying to understand what this poem is about.  The title, “Chime Era” suggests that this is about more than just a person; rather, it is intended to be nostalgic (although, maybe not?  ”chime-era” also suggests deception).  A lot of the times, with poems, I don’t try too hard to “get it”—some poems are not meant to “gettable.”  However, I think this poem requires some sort of theme or message or point in order to keep it from unraveling.     “Flaxen hair”, “crimson ribbons” and “whimsical ballad” all reinforce the notion that this poem is about another time, and not just another poem about seduction.  Perhaps the writer is talking about being seduced by a time lost?  If so, I think the poem is a good start towards an interesting concept (much more provocative than a poem about someone seducing another someone); however, I think it requires more details, less cliches, and closer attention to meter and rhyme.  

Regarding the details, I would incorporate more concrete imagery.  The use of things like “flaxen hair” and “crimson ribbons” is the right idea, but they are hackneyed images.  Rather than “flaxen hair”, think of a more interesting (less cliched) way of saying blond.  For example, is there an icon from this era that would bring to mind not just an image of a woman in blond hair, but solidify that feeling of nostalgia?  Same thing with “crimson ribbons” and “whimsical ballad”—while I like what you’re trying to do here with the old-school diction, I think you can do it with less cliched imagery.  

Regarding the meter and rhyme scheme, I think if you’re going to use a fairly simple rhyme scheme (which might work given a theme of “simpler times”), you should work to be a little more consistent with the meter.  The first line is a little crowded “linguistic chimeras” (it might work better if you insert a break between the two words), and ultimately leads into “as crimson ribbons” which falls rather flat after two adjacent amphibrachs.  You have a similar issue with “whimsical ballad” against “love valid”.  Also, S1 has five lines, instead of 4 (like the other two stanzas). When you have such metrical inconsistencies in a poem of this kind, where the rhyme scheme is pretty simple, it starts to sound forced and awkward.  You can (a) simplify the meter by employing line breaks or less unwieldy diction; (b) work on more challenging rhyme scheme; or (c) ditch the rhyme scheme altogether, and work on making the meter interesting and dynamic.  

Otherwise, I thought it was a very pretty poem with a nice idea at its core.  Just need to work on a few things, here and there!

Thanks for submitting!

Cor. 

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Thanks for taking the time and your candor.  I never thought I would submit my work, as I am highly critical of my writing, but you made it less painful.  Thanks for the pointers.  In my defense, I wrote it in 10 minutes.  Perhaps I should have taken more time!  ;)  <3